Beginning Your LGBTQ+ Allyship: It's Okay to Not Know
- Casey Anne Brimmer
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
Welcome to a blog where the answers to your questions depend on so many factors we cannot fathom them all. I'm Dr. Casey Anne Brimmer and I'm here to help you navigate the big, sometimes intimidating questions about identity, gender, and living life together, with a little more grace, and a lot less fear. If you are caring enough to try, to keep trying, to be willing to be wrong, or bad at something, to be corrected on occasion (in varying degrees of gentleness), that makes a difference, and maybe, this blog and my other content
Where you are is a valid place to start. What you know may feel limited or like you don’t quite understand it. We’ve all had the moments of learning about something new and not knowing where to start asking questions, what questions were dumb questions, or how to take the first step in the right direction for you.
The first time I met someone who used neo-pronouns, or pronouns considered new and/or uncommon to everyday language, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know I wasn’t the girl I was raised to be yet, in part because I hadn’t had language to use as a jumping off point in my explorations of self. But, this human was using ze, hir, hirs, and hirself pronouns; which is a set of neo-pronouns that felt a bit intimidating without the context I had for she/her, he/him, or even they/them. I wasn’t sure of the sentence structures, but more importantly I was worried I wouldn’t remember and that I might hurt this person I was connecting with.
Many people, myself included, worry about looking ignorant, stupid, or rude. We strive to be kind and to be on top of knowledge the world, our societies, or even our close communities, feel we should know. While striving to be up to date on knowledge is a great starting point, it is a starting point and in addition to there being information we know our knowledge falls short on, there’s even more that we don’t know we don’t know!
Today’s post is about giving ourselves and others grace, time to learn, and encouragement as we do so. This idea that it is okay to start where you are isn’t a new idea - Maya Angelou, a renowned Black woman poet once said: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” That’s the premise for today - permission to do your best and to learn along the way.
This blog is about using affirming practices to gain and apply knowledge, and while you may not learn as quickly as you, or someone you love, wants or needs you to, you’re in a good place to start learning about these complex topics of identity, power, privilege, and oppression, and perhaps most importantly: Allyship.
I ran with this idea because asking questions helps people learn but knowing when, where, and who to ask is a big part of determining how the people you ask respond to your questions. It is less a matter of if a question is “stupid” and more a matter of applying context, common sense, and kind curiosity. But what does that mean?
-Context: is where you are an appropriate venue to ask your question?
If everyone is talking about spaghetti, chances are folks aren’t too interested in answering questions about identity
An appropriate venue for questions about identity are ones where those questions are the focus of the event or conversation.
For example: This blog post is about answering your questions about LGBTQ+ identities and other gender and sexuality topics like intersectionality (stay tuned for a future episode about that term!), power, privilege, oppression, etc. I can’t speak to some topics from personal experience but I can point you to resources on those.
In other words, to ask questions about these topics, go to events and individuals who are doing the work to answer them.
Ask those of us who have volunteered to do this kind of emotional labor. If you don’t know where to find us, ask a search engine.
Common Sense: Also connected to context, can you think of any every-day context where it is appropriate to ask someone about their genitals? Or their gender-affirming medical procedures?
I know I’m not about to ask my neighbor about the genitals they have or ask my male acquaintance how their erectile dysfunction medication is going.
I also wouldn’t ask my trans work acquaintance what medical procedures they’ve had.
In these contexts, neither should you.
Kind Curiosity - why you’re asking a question matters, as does how you ask the question.
Asking someone a personal question out of a desire for satisfying your own curiosity isn’t the most appropriate option.
Asking someone what pronouns they use because you want to treat them with respect - that’s okay!
You still need and want to pay attention to context. - Asking about pronouns of a single person in a room filled with people could out them. Asking that question 1 on 1 is safer.
If you don’t know, just use their name. OR ask everyone even if you think you know.
Context, Common Sense, and Kind Curiosity are a good rule of thumb to help you move from the starting point of not knowing to having a knowledge base that helps you affirm others.
When it comes to identity, the answer is often “it depends.” Context, common sense, and kind curiosity will help you identify when it’s appropriate to ask some questions and not others. If you’re not sure - start with using a search engine, or asking someone you trust. You can also ask me! A few moments ago I mentioned those of us volunteering to do this kind of emotional labor, we are often in touch with resources or can help you find the answer to your questions. This is me volunteering.
A story behind this topic:
Imagine you’re mostly a shy, quiet kid but you’re also the only person of your identity that most of your classmates know, including the school bully. Now, imagine that bully is sitting next to you in your high school history class, and in a moment that the teacher is distracted he turns to you and asks something deeply personal. For me, I was one of the only “out” LGBTQ+ people in the school, never mind my grade. The bully was a football player who thought himself amusing, who didn’t care about context or common sense, or kindness. That bully asked me how lesbians have sex. Right there in the middle of our history class. I turned a dozen shades of red, looked down at my desk, and I refused to make eye contact. My friends who sat next to me asked how I was going to reply and it took a moment before I turned to him and gave him a crass response that I don’t regret but that was a direct result of being made to feel uncomfortable and unsafe in the context. “We have very talented fingers and tongues.” I was a sophomore, I was a quiet kid, I hadn’t yet volunteered as someone willing, able, or qualified to answer these questions.
Fast forward to having earned my degrees in gender studies and someone I know asked me a question of similar content but in a more appropriate context. I was able and prepared with a response that wasn’t rude, provided information, and protected others of my identity from having to answer the question at a less appropriate time.
So, where do you ask the questions? For today’s “Put it into practice”- I encourage you to click this link to an external google form and ask
your question. You can do so as anonymously as you want, but you can also identify which platform you want me to answer on and/or let me know how to get back to you if you’re not sure you’ll catch my posts on social media or on a future podcast (coming soon). Feel free to ask in the comments also!
As you pay attention to these practices of context, common sense, and kind curiosity, know that you are practicing affirming ways to engage with marginalized people who are different from you. Know that it’s okay to be curious, and it’s valid to have questions or be confused.
Remember to stay tuned to my social media posts for answers to your questions on gender, sexuality, identity, coming out, and more. It is valid to be a learner, we all need to start somewhere. Also know that you are important, valued, and valid. You’re welcome here and I hope to hear from you soon. Go gently and take care of yourself because you’re too important not to. Be kind where you can and be who you are in every space you're able.
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